Don't Run Away
by il-sole-le-stelle
Summary: Set something after City of Fallen Angels and perhaps during City of Lost Souls. My own interpretation of how events may unfold, written in anticipation of the book.


_Here's a place that i know  
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone  
If I show it to you now  
Will it make you run away_

_Jace is back_, Isabelle tells her. She does not know how to react to the news. One part of her is telling her to run to his arms, to be enveloped in his warmth and feel safe and relieved again. The other part of her is screaming a warning at her, that he would be with Sebastian, that he would be different, that he would not be the Jace she knows. _Go find him_, Isabelle nudges her. _He only wants to talk to you, not us._Isabelle's voice wavers towards the end.

She finds him in the Institute's greenhouse, his back facing the entrance. His silhouette still looks the same, she tells herself, no, tries to convince herself. He turns at the sound of her footsteps and she stops momentarily. The first thing she notices about him is the blood on his shirt and she looks up at his face. There are dark circles under his eyes, his lips dry and chapped.

She manages to choke out, "By the Angel, have you been sleeping?"

He laughs, a hollow laughter which sounds like it is stuck in his throat, "Not really." She watches him nervously as he runs his fingers through his hair. He catches her staring. "Why are you standing there staring at me?"

Her first instinct is to back away slowly. He seems to have become a person she no longer recognises, she admits to herself. She scrutinises his clothes carefully. Though bloodied, his T-shirt appears to be an expensive one, unlike the plain shirts he used to wear. His cheeks have hollowed out and it is clear he has lost quite a bit of weight.

_Or will you stay  
Even if it hurts  
Even if I try to push you out  
Will you return?  
And remind me who I really am  
please remind me who I really am_

"Who are you?" Her voice echoes throughout the greenhouse, as if it was disembodied.

"I'm still me, Clary. God, Clary, what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" She raises her voice, almost shouting. "What's wrong with me? You disappear for months, no one has heard from you and we all thought something happened to you. You waltz in here, and then ask me what's wrong with me. What's wrong with me, you ask. I'm almost at breaking point, Jace. You told me five minutes, and then you were gone. How does that make me feel?" Her vision of him blurs gradually as her tears start falling. She has held back so many tears, in front of Alec, Isabelle and even Simon. They had been worried enough for Jace, and it had seemed so selfish to break down in front of them.

She feels his strong arms around her and flinches slightly. But he does not pull away, his arms still wrapped tightly around her. "I missed you, Clary. Every single day." He says the words into her ear, while brushing away tears from her cheeks.

"Then, why didn't you come back earlier?"

"I couldn't." He shakes his head. She runs her fingers through his hair. That seems to be the only thing that hasn't changed about him.

"Why?"

"I don't know how to begin."

"From the start, Jace."

"I can't." He looks down at the healing scar on his hand and exhales. She finally notices the scar and pushes him away.

"Don't tell me..."

"Clary."

"Where is he?" She hears her voice shaking. "Where is he, Jace? Have you been with him this whole time?" she demands.

He does not answer, but merely looks down at his feet.

"God, Jace, who the hell are you?"

He finally cracks, and sinks to his feet. "I don't know, Clary." The words rush out of him. "I'm still myself, but I don't feel right in this skin. Like there's something not right with me. Something tells me I can trust him, but yet I know he killed Max, he killed so many people, and he has demon blood in him. But I'm bound to him, Clary. I can't get away from him. Even when I wanted to, my gut told me that I shouldn't. I don't know who I am anymore, Clary. I really don't."

She hesitates before going slightly closer to him. He's still Jace, he's still the boy she loves. She can still see the side of him that is so familiar, she tries to convince herself.

"Clary, don't go. Please stay, please I don't know how to be without you." Her gut feels like it is being wrenched in two, it hurts so badly. "You don't have to say anything, you don't have to come close to me. Just stay, please."

She collapses onto the floor, her legs trembling as she tucks them close to her body. He assumes the same position as she has, looking at her briefly, and quickly looking away when they make eye contact.

_Everybody's got a dark side  
Do you love me?  
Can you love mine?  
nobody's a picture perfect  
But we're worth it  
You know that we're worth it  
Will you love me?  
Even with my dark side?_

"Remember when I first brought you here?" he says, not directly to her, but as if he is talking to no one in particular. "It was your birthday." She chokes back a sob. "Things were so different back then. We were happier, and you know what I remember the most?"

She shakes her head, almost imperceptibly.

"The look of amazement on your face when the Midnight Flower bloomed. Like you've never seen something so beautiful before. But I had and I was grateful for that, so grateful for you appearing my life." He laughs bitterly. "I love you so much, Clary. But I don't know how to be with you without hurting you. God, with this bond I have, tied to Sebastian, I have no idea what I'll be like, what it'll mean for us."

"I still love you, Jace," she says softly but with conviction. "I know the Jace I fell in love with is somewhere inside. We'll figure this out, we'll figure out together how to undo this bond. Even if it takes heaven or hell, I'll do it. For us, for everyone who loves you."

"I won't lose myself, Clary. You'll be the one thing I'll hold on to, to remind me who I really am. That I'm stronger than he is." He shifts to the spot next to her and lifts her chin up tentatively. She doesn't resist and slowly, he closes the gap between them, his lips on hers. She returns his kiss. It is bittersweet and almost desperate, how he laces his fingers in her hair, and pulls her towards him tightly. As if he is running out of time.


End file.
